Gratitude For Life Through Weight Gain
Hello, my name is Maureen Becker and I am a sugar addict. As a result of my little experiment with SAM over the last 2 years (to eat whatever I crave and want, whenever I want), I have gained one hundred pounds over the last two years.
What kind of spirit guide would let their host gain one hundred pounds, only to be considered 'morbidly obese' by any doctor? A smart guide. A brilliant one, actually.
I have struggled with my addiction to sugar and carbs all of my life (I'm 43). I snuck oreo cookies even when it was discovered that I was allergic to chocolate as as child. This didn't stop me - those oreos would be in my mouth, and the proof would be imminent - a rash around my mouth after the fact. But to me, even getting caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar was worth it.
I'm not sure where my addiction to sugar started from, but I sure know what it feels like to be under its control. There have been times in my life where my whole world and focus was on what my diet was - was I cheating and eating sugar/carbs, or was I staying clean and avoiding all the foods that I know bother me? There's a long list: sugar, wheat/gluten, corn, dairy...those are the main ones. I tried natural diets avoiding those foods - the longest I lasted was two years. I dropped weight like crazy once I avoided all my trigger foods (allergy and intolerance for digestion) however it made my life miserable in going to restaurants, over to other people's house for dinner, etc. I was 'the one that couldn't eat anything'. As a result of this 'clean' diet, I was the lowest weight I've ever been as an adult - 145 pounds.
This is me, more than a decade ago, at 145 pounds
Finally, after losing some relationships, gaining pressure on my marriage because my husband (now my ex) was frustrated with my rigid diet (I became almost a hypochondriac regarding what a 'bad' food would do to me if I ate it), I started to cheat. I no longer tried to be so clean, ate some of my trigger foods, and as a result, started gaining weight. At this point, I kept it from getting out of control by doing exercise six days a week. I kept up this regime for many years.
Eating somewhat 'clean' with lots of exercise
I felt that I had slayed the dragon. I could eat restaurant food, go to people's houses for dinner, be able to go through a drive-thru, and yet still eat healthy most of the time. AHA! I have overridden the sugar beast! I have won the war!
Or so I thought.
Until a few years ago, I got into a car accident serious enough to give me whiplash in both my neck and lower back, which forced my six-days-a-week exercise to go down to non-existent exercise. I was still eating the same foods as I did when I did exercise, and in fact was craving more sugar-laden foods because I was no longer getting my 'endorphin high' from my daily exercise. The weight started to add on.
the beginning of 'eat whatever you want'
It was then that I realized that I hadn't resolved my addiction to sugar at all. I was keeping it at bay with exercise, but I hadn't slain any beast. It was still there, lurking. Waiting for its chance to strike.
SAM offered me a different perspective at that point, a fork in the road as it were. They explained that my Soul had a few lessons to learn about addiction, trying to keep my appearance 'socially acceptable', caring about what others think, finding my own inner beauty when my outer beauty was questionable in my/society's eyes, to name a few.
They suggested that I didn't panic about my weight gain, but 'give in to it'. They asked me to consider finally slaying the Sugar Beast, but through a completely unorthodox process. "Let yourself eat", they said. "Let yourself gain. Fully give in to your cravings. For the first time in your life, allow yourself to eat all of the chocolate and sugar and junk food you want. You need to find internal reasons to be healthy, not external reasons (such as what is considered beautiful or others' expectations of how you should look.). You need to find your own reasons for eating healthier. And ironically the only way you are going to learn this, is by becoming unhealthy until you CHOOSE HEALTH."
Gain weight by choice? Were they f*cking kidding? Why the hell would I do that?
However the more I was in angst over the fact that I couldn't exercise and my sugar cravings were increasing, the more I realized I was fighting a fight that felt fairly impossible to override at that time. I wanted to be free of my addiction to sugar. They ensured me that if I let myself get fat, found my 'inner beauty' and lost my power battle with food, sooner or later, I would find a new Essence-led weight that was best for my body type, and for my Soul's learning.
Unfortunately, it seems I am quite a stubborn Soul. I had to gain one hundred pounds, overeating for a few years, needing to really experience what it is like to live with that extra weight as a lifestyle, to understand the true lesson SAM was trying to get me to understand.
current weight 285 pounds!!!!!!!
All of a sudden, I was eating chocolate every day. Going through McDonald's drive-thru (I used to curse McDonald's drive thru years ago when I was clean. I had so much food dogma, everything was either 'bad or good'. There was no in between). Now I was one of the drive-thru mamas, grabbing a meal on the go while driving my children to their dance and gymnastic classes, rather than taking the time out to plan meals and use my crockpot. Crockpot? Damn the crockpot! I didn't NEED to do that anymore. I was free. I could eat whatever I wanted!!!
I began to realize how much power I had given to food, all of my life. I could not look at food as just fuel. It was way more powerful than that. It controlled me. It controlled my thoughts. I was obsessed, and an emotional overeater. However all of a sudden, this Spring, I noticed a change within my psyche. By eating the 'naughty' foods that I would never have allowed myself to eat before without guilt, they simply became food. They lost their power over me. The naughty foods were simply food that tasted really good, but were unhealthy as a daily choice.
I was learning firsthand the results of 'eating whatever I wanted'. Moving around in a body one hundred pounds heavier was not comfortable, IS not comfortable (I'm still 100 pounds heavier as I write this today). Bending down before was one graceful movement. Now, I hesitate to bend down, for fear I won't have the flexibility to actually reach the floor with my big gut in the way. (Note to self - achieving a healthy weight is not to please others or be 'sexy', it is so you can bend down and pick up things without being out of breath. Who knew?)
All of a sudden, going to the movies (one of my favorite things to do) was a self-esteem test, as I had to wiggle my ass out of the movie seat creatively rather than stand up without my butt and hips scratching against the side arms as I rose.
Yep, that's my big fat ass. If I had to climb out of a window right now in an emergency situation, this would be my predicament.
Sigh. Too many chocolate bars...
I have gained a lot of weight to gain the Truth - I never appreciated my health when I had it.
Not one bit. I took for granted that I could move around with ease, have flexibility, have strength, breathe well, do exercise without trouble, etc. Never for one minute did I consider any of those situations to be a gift, a choice, or something that could be taken away. It just was. Now that I am out of breath easily, now that my hips squeeze tightly into chairs, now that going for a 5-10 km walk (which was my norm) seems impossible, NOW I appreciate the concept of health. I always told myself that if I could eat anything I wanted, I would be happy. I needed to realize that this was a lie my Inner Sugar Addict was telling myself. Oh I was happy as I ate the chocolate bar. However I was not happy as I waddled, doing my errands feeling my inner thighs rub together. Yet I still ate. And ate. And justified every bite to myself - "I can eat whatever I want!!"
I have needed to eat those 'offending foods', the foods that I labelled as 'bad, untouchable' for two years in order to feel like I got my fill. I had given food so much power, that it took me that long to rebel before now a chocolate bar is just that - a choice. A choice that tastes good but makes me feel so fat and tired that it robs me of health and energy. I told myself I was free by being able to eat what I wanted. However that was another lie my Inner Sugar Addict wanted me to believe. I am now entrenched in fat, having to lose a lot of weight to get back to a healthy weight. That is quite a task, one that I am just beginning the journey of.
However, I will lose weight now with a completely different consciousness. This isn't about going on a diet. This isn't about aiming for a certain weight either. This is about choosing health. I now see what SAM meant. I was never choosing health before when I exercised. I exercised so that when I was single I would be attractive to men. I ate healthy food as a woman following society's rules. I wasn't eating healthily and exercising to achieve health and well-being. I was doing so to be socially acceptable, to please others, to stay 'sexy' - all of the reasons why many of us stay at a certain weight and drive to the gym first thing in the morning. It is expected of us, if we wish to stand in the grocery store line without feeling shame as we see the myriad of magazines with slogans of "Lose 10 pounds in 5 days!" and "Get great abs to spice up your sex life!!"
NOW, I want to discover a weight where I can be healthy and happy. To eat food with a neutral consciousness, to be healthy enough to move and exercise my body, and to have energy to enjoy life. No bad or good foods. Just food, that I choose, on a daily basis, based on my intuition of what my body needs. No rebellion. No starving myself or overeating. Just eating the right fuel for my body.
Every pound gained has been worth it. I look different, that is to be sure, but I also have a different perspective now. I have my internal reasons for wanting to be healthy for the first time in my life. By losing energy, flexibility and mobility, I now have gratitude for health.
You may think this was foolish, or unnecessary. However for me, now I can finally anchor into the feeling of what it means to 'treat my body as a vessel'. I could intellectually grasp that phrase before, but I could never live it. I now understand that if I don't take care of my vessel, it won't take care of me. And if I can eat whatever I want but I am so unhealthy that I can't live life to the fullest, how is that freedom? I choose health now, because living without it, is not an enjoyable life. Eating chocolate with freedom does not trump being healthy in my vessel.
I choose health because that is my right as a human being playing this game. And to live my life by choice without it? Well, that finally feels like a ridiculous concept. Sugar Addict be gone. You've got nothing on me now that I know and feel the Truth. The jig is up.
Time to pull out and be grateful for my crock-pot, and to start moving my body with joy, because I can. Time to be grateful for all of the health I have at this moment, and have gratitude for all of the health I can achieve by choosing it, every day.
Seems easy enough to me.
And so the journey of self-love begins.
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